Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Last day

My stomach hurts.

I can't tell if its the 2 cups of coffee I've had, the heat, the 5 day old yogurt I ate for breakfast (don't judge) or the fact it's my last day working as a Jesuit Volunteer.

In 24 hours I will be on the road, heading away from my 2 years as a JV.

Remember the scene in the Poisonwood Bible where the girls drag themselves out of the jungle? That's a little how I feel right now. Exhausted.

The last few weeks have been incredibly busy. We have had to clean the entire house in preparation for the new JVs, visitors, work, paperwork, financial reports, more cleaning, packing, etc. I feel like I haven't sat down in weeks.

Oh yeah, and I think I'm supposed to be planning a wedding or something.

It's impossible to say what these two years have meant to me. I remember another part of the Poisonwood Bible when one of the girls talks about how after you feel a true hunger of the body, you can never fully relate to people who haven't. Now, we've had some meager meals,but have never gone hungry. But I understand the sentiment of that. JVC will change you, ruin you, forever. I don't know who I would have been without JVC, but I am know I am definitely a different person than I would have otherwise.

Before this past year, I didn't know any murders or anyone who had been murdered. Now I do.

Before this year, I had never eaten antelope, elk, or venison. Still have yet to try bear.

Before JVC, I had never had the confidence to confront people. Now I believe I do, and that relationships that mean something to you deserve honesty.

Before JVC, I had never been to a Jesuit parish, done an Examen, or taken part in a smudging. Now I find these all beautiful spiritual practices.

Before JVC, I hadn't met the man I would marry. (Had to thrown that one in there!)

Now I think about the four values, spirituality, community, social justice, and simplicity, every day. I am slower in my walk, and more reflective about my decisions. I see that everything I do has a consequence which I can try to nudge into a more honorable direction. Every action can be a spiritual one, from washing the dishes to reading an illiterate client his mail. I have grown closer to God in these years, I know, but I don't think I will fully realize the changes that have occurred for weeks, months, or even years from now.

I am grateful for this journey I have been on. It hasn't been easy, far from it, but it has been worthwhile.

So 3 more hours of working as a JV. I am a little nervous about the future. Being a JV has been my identity for so long, I don't know what FJV life will be like. But for the time, I am going to focus on the present and bask in what an incredible 2 years this has been.

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